This feels weird to write because I'm not in the emotional element. I cried my first tears for college because I spoke to my eldest brother who's going on vacation before I leave and suddenly he tells me he won't meet me at Pittsburgh. His flight is either Sunday morning or late evening, if it's the second latter then it won't be as sad saying 'see ya until Thanksgiving!'.
Right now I feel so weird, I can't explain it. Deep inside there's this bittersweet sadness for leaving behind my family, I'm pretty sure there's a small river of tears hidden. The tears just fell when he said he wouldn't see me. I love my brother so much!!! Lately he's been busy with work so I've been at the house only seeing him for a few hours before he leaves and comes back. And when he does come home it's so late he just wants to go to bed. Also he's been staying out with friends, staying over at a mystery place which I'd like to speculate as a potential girlfriend or roommate for the near future.
Also I'm going to miss my other brother :( I don't get tears though when I think of him, I feel very sadden though. I'm sure the tears for him will come much soon. AH and my mom! :''(
Gosh I have so many things I want to do before I leave. I know I'm going to come back for the holidays, but I want to make these extra few weeks really special and leave with no regrets because that's what I really want to aim for when entering college. Plunge into it with an open mind and no regrets for whatever reason. I don't want to be bitter or angry towards any individuals. I wanna see all my friends before they all leave, I wanna draw one more picture for my boss who's so close and dear to me. I think I might write a novel to them. They're practically my surrogate grandparents. I love them so much.
I never use the word love, I only know I do to all the people I care for. I don't vocalize it, but right now I want to express it to the fullest, but not too overbearing because I know my family won't be going away. And I don't want to leave as an annoyance and them saying 'good riddance'. Ah that'd make me super sad!
Also, not making any promises with this proposition but, I wanna really give it my best with my job. I mean it's just a waitressing job, but this week I'm working three doubles and one regular shift, but surprisingly I'm not bitter about it. I'm looking forward to it. Ahhh, all these things are ending and so many new things are coming so fast!
I'm bewildered, sad, anxious, and feeling heavy with the topic of college, but when I go up and leave my family here on the east, I'll be reconnecting with my sister so I won't be too lonely.
All I can say is I love you guys so much and I'm going to miss you so deeply when I go.
